I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase smother mother. Of course it can apply to fathers as well. Smothering can stunt psychological growth and createl anxiety, depression and a lack of self-confidence.
It’s an issue of boundaries – – if you’re too controlling with your children, they never have the opportunity to explore their own wants and needs and are forced to cater to your overly strict boundaries. This is referred to as authoritarian parenting; military strictness with no rules explained–just a “do as I say” philosophy.
On the other hand if you’re too loose, if you are a laissez faire parent, that does not bode well either. Lack of structure and rules make for poor boundaries and everything that comes with it such as inability to self monitor and use common sense when it comes to big life issues like choosing friends, staying away from drug and alcohol abuse, and having a functional organized life. Think of the three little bears and the three chairs… If the chair is too hard it’ll hurt your back. If the chair is too soft it won’t support the back. The “just right” chair or parenting gives support without harm.
Parents often smother their children because they are worried and nervous for their well being. Parents, for example, who come from war torn countries overprotect because they feel that the world is a dangerous place. Their own trauma from their past now visits the way they parent. This is an example of why parents project their own fears and insecurities on their children, creating a very confining life for them through overprotecting.
Many of my patients who complain of parents who smother them feel angry and resentful and have a hard time making their own life’s decisions. Many question their own mind. This micromanaging of their children’s school major, beliefs, choice of mate, and even choice of career can create a family rift over generations. Although it is a parent’s job to direct their children in the best way they can, sometimes they can go overboard and do more damage than good.
In certain cultures it is typical to control children by choosing their mates or pressuring them to go into the family business. Worst, some parents will bribe their children with money and family inheritance and will hold over their head being disinherited if they don’t comply. Clearly this is not in the best interest of the child and the damage begins when the child’s ability to manifest his or her best life is compromised.
Some children will cave in to parental demands and become people pleasers. People pleasers put their own needs last and other’s needs well before theirs, creating a sense of depletion. Many choose mates who will control and demand that they be pleased and the cycle of the family systems gone wrong will continue.
According to Dr. Maslow, a child cannot separate and individuate if he or she is tied to the parents. I refer to this as a toxic tie because it doesn’t allow the child to separate and become a strong fully formed adult.
Because many parents unfortunately are more interested in their own agenda than the best interest of their children, the children are forced to choose between their own mental health and their parents needs and agendas.
It takes a lot of strength to break free of this toxic system, particularly because spoiling/smothering weakens the child. Once weakened, the controlling can take better hold. A weak child is a dependent child, and a future dependent adult. Some children grow up to be toxically tied to their parents even in adulthood, and fail to launch into healthy adulthood. When they put their family of origin before their spouse, marital breakdowns occur,, sometimes leading to divorce.
The wounds of smothering and controlling are very common in certain cultures. If you are a parent and you have to make a choice of being culturally correct or supporting the mental health of your child, please consider carefully how to gracefully integrate both aspects into the future generation. If your child is suffering and you see signs of depression, anxiety acting out drug use and abuse or even worse suicidality, you need to consider that number one is always the mental health of your child.
FROM A MIND MAP PERSPECTIVE
The wound of smothering and controlling limits the growth of the individual. At the beginning stages of life it is important to foster healthy dependency in order to help your children become healthy and independent. Smothering and controlling does the opposite.
If a parent has been smothered and controlled or threatened, it is easier to hand down this “system gone wrong” to the next generation. In other words parents who smother and control usually were smothered and controlled, or environmentally threatened by outside forces.
Reactions to smothering/controlling range from succumbing to the parents’ control and submitting to their needs, or acting out and rebelling against this oppression. The rebellion can take the form of acting out – using and abusing drugs, becoming sexually promiscuous, or any other forms of rebellion that they know will generate anger in their parents, or acting in–becoming depressed and suicidal in extreme cases.
As a result of this family system gone terribly wrong, destructive negative core beliefs such as “I’m not good enough, I am never enough, I’m not lovable if I don’t please, or I will never be number one” begin to form. These negative core beliefs have to be sourced and dismantled so that they don’t continue to harm self esteem and create more symptoms.
If the cause is not addressed, the effects get worse over time. Children can spiral down into chaos defenses and bigger breakdowns. This spiral can then visit the next generation and continue to wreak havoc. If you are a parent or plan on being a future parent, consider balancing family rules and rolls with the needs of your child. If you have experienced smothering/controlling in your own life and still suffer from the effects, consider Mind Map Therapy to heal.
Dr. Judy
